I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
