if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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