I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
We're too hungover to prance.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
