My first STD was from a foam party
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
