After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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