I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
