God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
