I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize