i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
