you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
