Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
