I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
