No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
