He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
