she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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