So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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