it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
