Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
