you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
