He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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