I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
