my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
there is glitter all over my balls
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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