that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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