Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
