The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
