Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
