youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
