im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
