just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
they're like a gay fantastic four
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
