I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
