I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
