im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
