I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
