id be glad to
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
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