so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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