Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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