Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
