she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
