somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
