Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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