I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
