I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
