So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
