I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just found a bag of teeth...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
