eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
