I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
