i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
