I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
A bitchslap is in order.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize