my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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