I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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