This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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