Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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