Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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