I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
