from now on my penis is your penis
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
