The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
