Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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