this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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