you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
