I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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